• Bronto to croc

This digital dinosaur continues to adapt to the changing environment. My site had become a real brontosaurus with out of date articles and columns, so am shedding tons of material. Hopefully, it’s more of a crocodile now, which lived at the time of the dinosaurs, but survived by being fast and sleek.

For articles, columns, essays and humor that have survived the virtual climate change, click here.

I’m finishing up some editing and getting ready to head to the Colorado Christian Writers Conference next week, so the process of natural selection will pause until I’m back.

The great thing about moving to the WordPress platform is that I can post comments from anywhere there’s an Internet connection, so if anything dramatic happens while I’m in Colorado, this crocodile can take a bite at it!

• Shiite v. Sunni

In Lebanon, deadly fighting has broken out—again—between Sunni Muslims loyal to the government and Shiite supporters of Hezbollah. Why do these two groups, that are also creating chaos in Iraq, hate each other so? Some background:

Both Sunnis and Shiites have the Koran (Qur’an) as the source of their beliefs and believe “‘There is but one God, Allah, and Mohammed is His prophet.” The deadly difference concerns who are Mohammed’s rightful successors.

Shiites believe that only those in the bloodline of Mohammed can be in leadership.

Sunnis, who make up 90 percent of Muslims, believe that the leader (imam) of the Muslim community should be selected on the basis of the leader’s individual merits and communal consensus regardless of lineage.

The split occurred after Mohammed’s death in 623 AD when community leaders elected a close companion of the prophet named Abu Bakr to become the first Caliph (Arabic for “successor”). Although most Muslims accepted this decision, some supported the candidacy of Ali ibn Abi Talib, the Prophet’s cousin and son-in-law. Ali’s supporters, now the Shiites, assassinated the third Caliph in 656 AD and made Ali the Caliph. Then, what are now the Sunnis, assassinated Ali in 670 AD, and the deadly division was solidified.

Shiites are most dominant in Iran and Iraq, but represent only about 10 percent of the one billion Muslims. Sunnis are dominant in such countries as Afghanistan, Egypt, Jordan, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia. Only 20 per cent of Muslims are Arab with the world’s largest Muslim-majority country being Indonesia.

• Commencement

Ever since Pebbles and Bam Bam graduated from Bedrock High, commencement speakers have been telling the crowd of cap and gowns to work for world peace, follow its dreams, and always wear clean underwear in case of an accident.

So cue Pomp and Happenstance, here are the Top ten things you won’t hear at commencement

• Faith of our mothers

Just a reminder, Mother’s Day is Sunday! And if you’re tired of your church replacing “Father” with “Mother” as they sing that depressing song, here’s an updated version:

Faith of our mothers, living yet,
after church meetings, house-breaking pets,
Car-pooling Little League, lessons at 2,
None would get done if it weren’t for you.
Faith of our mothers! Holy faith!
We will be true to you always.

Faith of our mothers, living still,
in spite of doc’tring others while ill,
Working long hours and dinner at 5,
Only by God’s grace are they alive!
Faith of our mothers! Holy faith!
We will be true to you always.

Faith of our mothers passed on to each
child and grandchild, nephew and niece,
Sharing their faith, their hope, and their love,
Grant them your strength and peace from above.
Faith of our mothers! Holy faith!
We will be true to you always.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Copyright © 1993 James N. Watkins

• Iron Man vs. rust

Iron Man had super ticket sales at last weekend’s box office, but I’m not sure iron is the best component for a super hero. Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite, but Iron Man can be stopped in his tracks with a few water balloons. And that giant magnet at the scrap yard or an MRI technician can easily take him out.

Here are some better engineered superheroes:

Titanium Man: Ten times stronger and lighter than Iron Man without any of the rust issues.

Lead Man: Mild-mannered Chinese toymaker by day, but by night is invincible to radiation and airport security.

Teflon Man: No weapons stick to this superhero, plus cleanup’s a cinch!

Silicon Man: Faster than a super computer and able to leap firewalls in a single bound, but has been known to be immobilized by the evil Tech Support.

Platinum Girl: Utilizing powerful good looks, able to reduce evil geniuses to babbling idiots.

But who is the supreme superhero? Click here for my nomination.

• Longer boat for tunnel of love?

Hmmm? How do I put this delicately? Okay, every day I get at least 100 emails offering more excitement in the tunnel of love if I’d just get a longer boat. Not so! Every single medical study proves that the most exciting areas of the tunnel of love are around and just inside of the entrance. So, a dinghy will do!

If you want more excitement in the tunnel of love, read Three secrets to xxx-ceptional boating.

• Last candidate standing

The people I cheer for on reality TV never win. It all began when Richard, the self-described “fat, naked, gay guy” on the first Survivor won the million. Then,  Dat Phan was crowned as the first, and I quote, “Funniest Person In America” on Last Comic Standing. Dat who? Exactly! I have funnier relatives (some are even allowed to go out in public unattended).

At least it got me thinking that perhaps presidential elections should be staged as the ultimate reality series: The Amazing Political Race Who Wants to Marry a Politician Conservative Eye for the Liberal Guy Survivor: The Electoral College.

[Overproduced theme music]

“Live from the nation’s capital, ‘The Amazing Dog Eat Dog Last Candidate Standing.’ 52 weeks! 52 candidates!. But tonight, just ONE President elect of the United States.”

Yep, let’s put all the candidates for President in that Big Brother house in Hollywood—and then lock and bolt the doors until the first Tuesday in November. I think there would be some real advantages to elections as reality TV.

1. We’d only have to listen to their political pontifications one night a week! (A show of hands, please. How many of you have had enough politicking for four years? I’m ready to move to “Exile Island” and survive on Madagascar hissing cockroaches.)

2. Candidates would have to successfully perform tasks to stay in the running: balancing a check book, finding a job for a homeless tech stock trader, and negotiating a win-win settlement in a messy divorce case. If they can’t perform these tasks, what business do they have with the Federal budget, the job market, and keeping Iran from nuking Israel.

3. Candidates, of course, would have to answer the requisite trivia questions:

What is the capital of Liberia?

Saddam Hussein loyalists belonged to what political party: a) Bath, b) Shower, c) Dry Clean Only.

True/False: Latin Americans speak Latin

The best way to stimulate the economy is a) tax cuts, b) less government restrictions, c) amphetamines

Your stand on homosexual marriage is a) I’m for it, b) I’m against it, c) I can go either way (wink)

4. Immunity challenges! After living off the government payroll and enjoying political perks, maybe a dose of The Real World would be the best thing for Presidential candidates. Let’s see them live on off-brand macaroni and cheese with generic hot dogs. Which of them can survive the longest while eating stale pretzels sitting in coach section of a plane. How ’bout giving them each a $1,000 Social Security check and make them find decent housing, medical insurance, and an affordable long distance plan. The possibilities are endless!

5. Tribal council! This weekly vote would whittle the number down to one Republican, one Democrat, and one independent “wildcard.” Those who can “out wit, out play, and out last” would go on to the two-hour finale on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

Voters at home log-in on their computers and cast their ballots without those annoying “hanging chads” and Supreme Court rulings.

Then again, the people I want to win reality shows never do win which just goes to prove:

1. TV reality shows are not really “reality.”

2. Contestants are conniving attention-deprived ego-maniacs who will do anything for the fame and fortune.

3. Some computer geek somewhere has figured out a way to vote three million times.

Okay, maybe The Last Candidate Standing isn’t the best suggestion for election reform, but Dat Phan is welcomed to take my column. Please.

© Copyright 2004, 2008 James N. Watkins

Related post: WWJE? Who Would Jesus Elect?

• Top ten pages

I have in my right hand—direct from my home office—April’s top ten most popular pages [March's ranking]:

1. Home page / blog [1]

2. Mr. Platypus’ billabong page [—]

3. Women in ministry issues [4]

4. “I just want to die” [5]

5. Top ten reasons I’m not divorcing my wife [6]

6. Is it a life or a choice? [9]

7. The hidden habit: masturbation [8]

8. Dealing with death and grief [7]

9. One nation under the Supreme Being of your choice [10]

10. Love, Marriage and Sex [—]

• Day of prayer

Today, May 1, is America’s “National Day of Prayer” with the theme “Prayer! America’s Strength and Shield.” It’s based on Psalm 28:7: “The Lord is my strength and shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.”

Heaven knows America needs prayer, but—call me a cynical journalist—it seems a bit narrow in its scope. How ’bout prayer for the thousands of fellow Iraqi Christians displaced and killed by America’s invasion of their country? For the Christians suffering in Cuba because of America’s boycott of their country. For Christians in North Korea as the world recognizes “North Korea Freedom Week”?

Yes, pray for America today, but please, also remember a much wider Kingdom of which we, as believers, are a part.

• Is Wright wrong?

Presidential candidate’s Barak Obama’s pastor may just lose the election for the Illinois senator.  The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has accused the U.S. government of creating the HIV/AIDS virus, claimed that the 9/11 attacks were a judgment from God, and instead of beseeching “God bless America,” bellowed “God damn America.”

Whether Wright is wrong on his claims may be debatable, but the tone is certainly not Christian.  Paul admonishes followers of Christ to “speak the truth in love” and to “let your conversation be always full of grace” (Colossians 4:6).  So some, hopefully, gracious observations:

On balancing truth and grace