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Christmas music is already playing at the mall, so I guess it’s time for my thirteenth annual Twelve Sites of Christmas. Here’s something brand new:

Top ten reasons Santa not good role model

I have in my right mitten, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, today’s category: top ten reasons Santa Claus is not a good role model.

10. Breaks into homes in the middle of the night (trespassing, breaking and entering both felonies).

9. Morbidly obese from diet of cookies and milk.

8. Tolerates prejudice (reindeer call Rudolph names, won’t let him join in any reindeer games).

7. Shows preference toward children of rich parents over the poor in annual gift-giving spree.

6. Shows judgmental attitude by keeping list of “naughty and nice” children.

5. Exhibits conditional love by basing gifts on aforementioned list.

4. Smokes.

3. Investigators concerned about content of pipe as Santa is constantly “jolly” (see depiction above of St. Nick from original edition of A Visit from Saint Nicholas.)

2. Once arrested for punching out co-worker (click here for details).

1. Has author on his “naughty” list