I was a bit skeptical when, in 1982, Reader’s Digest offered The Holy Bible as one of its condensed books. The Eight Commandments? The ten disciples? The Last Snack? (Actually, by cutting only repetitive texts, it trimmed the Old Testament by 55 percent and the New by 25 percent with nothing essential missing.)

I’m not sure, however, about the latest Scripture version: The Twitter Bible. This investigative humor columnist has obtained exclusive excerpts.

The Twitter Bible